Man Learns Daughter Isn’t His, Calls Girlfriend ‘Heartless’ for Not Wanting to Raise Her

A woman is wondering if she’s in the wrong for not wanting to help her boyfriend raise a child that he thought was biologically his daughter.

In a post on the AITAH subreddit, the original poster (OP) started off by explaining that she’s been with her boyfriend, 33, for nearly three years. OP’s boyfriend shares a 4-year-old daughter with his ex, whom she refers to as “Ashley.”

“Ashley and I have never gotten along. She was extremely abusive to my boyfriend in their past relationship. He has told me some stuff and his family have also told me things they’ve witnessed,” the woman, 30, explained.

“She was verbally, physically, [and] financially abusive. My boyfriend is in therapy to work through it and has made great progress since we started dating,” she continued. “She is extremely manipulative and has continued to exploit my [boyfriend] the entirety of our relationship. Whenever I or his family have pointed it out, he just claims he’s being the bigger person for his child.”

OP shared she and her boyfriend dated for almost a year before she was able to become a part of his daughter’s life.

“She adores me,” he says, referring to her boyfriend’s toddler daughter. “Over the years Ashley has tried a lot with me, and it’s gotten to the point where I no longer do pick ups or drop offs with her and I no longer babysit on her court-ordered days for her. Which isn’t very often as she takes her daughter only when it’s convenient for her and rarely overnight.”

She added, “My boyfriend understands my feelings and is supportive.”

OP went on to share that her boyfriend had to do a paternity test on his daughter to enroll her in a program, and the test result came back showing he’s not the biological father.

“I was shocked as they look so much alike; however, I understand genetics are a random lottery. I gave him space and time to accept and grieve this information,” she wrote. “I eventually told him he will need to get legal counsel and inform the biological father if she knows who he is.”

“He called me ‘heartless’ and said they might take her away. I told him that it wasn’t my intention to hurt him but also this is an extremely difficult situation for all parties involved,” she continued. “I told him it’s not up to us and ultimately that decision is up to his ex and is something he should prepare for.”

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The woman explained that it’s been a week since she and her boyfriend had this discussion, and she’s come to a realization: she doesn’t want to raise his ex’s daughter.

“My feelings of resentment stem from Ashley never having to deal with the consequences of her actions and my hatred for her mistreatment of my [boyfriend],” she wrote. “My [boyfriend] is an amazing father and his daughter is his world, He is the sweetest most amazing man and I know he will still raise another man’s child for her, but it’s something I don’t want to watch up close.”

“I told him my decision and have been staying with my sister,” OP added. “I just cannot get past the destruction and hurt that woman has caused, I know it’s not fair to my [boyfriend] or his daughter, but I just know what I can and can’t handle. This was not an easy decision but I feel it’s necessary for my mental health.”

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Many commenters wrote underneath the post, sharing their thoughts on the tough situation that OP is in. One user noted that OP’s boyfriend isn’t doing anything for Ashley specifically, adding that everything he does is for the “child he loves.”

“He’s not doing it ‘for Ashley’ he’s doing it for the child he loves,” they wrote. “This is a very difficult situation ,but my brother was in a similar one. He had three kids and everyone believes the middle child isn’t his. He’s refused to do dna testing because ‘he’s my son no matter what’ and he didn’t want to lose him in the divorce.”

They continued, “You need to understand that he’s doing this for the child and for himself, not for his ex.”