Man Says He’s Happily Married but Can’t Stop Thinking About His First Wife

A man says he’s “happily” married with kids and grandkids — but yet, he can’t stop thinking about his first wife from many years ago.

He detailed his dilemma in a letter to the “Asking Eric” advice column, published by Anchorage Daily News. He began by sharing that he had “a starter marriage that only lasted a couple of years.”

“We got married too young, and I quickly realized that I had nothing in common with my wife,” he wrote, explaining what led to the end of their marriage.

The former couple divorced, but the man’s ex returned after a few months and wanted to get back together. “The problem is she admitted cheating on me with a married man,” the advice seeker revealed. “We tried to make a go of it, but gave up after a few months.”

All these years later, the man is married with a family. However, an old friend recently asked him “in passing” if he knew what happened to his first wife. While the man wrote that he had “pretty much forgotten about” his ex, the friend’s mention of her sent him down memory lane.

“Now, I have memories both good and bad,” he admitted. Reiterating that he’s happy in his current marriage, the man — who signed his letter “Enough Already” — then asked columnist R. Eric Thompson, “Question, this person lives rent-free in my head and how do I get rid of her?”

In his response, Thompson wrote, “When the idea of someone has taken up free residence in your head, it’s time to start charging rent,” before explaining what that means in practice.

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“Make the idea of her/your first marriage earn its place,” he wrote. “Right now, it’s living rent-free because it’s asking you questions you seemingly can’t answer — what could have happened, what went wrong, what if, why, et cetera.”

He continued. “You can start asking the idea of her questions back. ‘Why are you here? What do you have to teach me?’ Because, ultimately, this is just a conversation with yourself.”

Thompson said the point is that the man needs to ask himself “what feels unresolved” about his previous marriage.

“And the answer may well be ‘nothing is unresolved,’ ” the columnist noted. “But whatever the answer is, resisting the thought is only going to give it more power.”

Thompson suggested that the man should instead “try a form of acceptance, or even a mindful approach,” when he finds himself stuck on memories of his ex and that chapter in his life.

“Acknowledge that this is a part of your story and it’s part of what got you to the place you are today,” Thompson wrote. “Affirm for yourself that the past and the present aren’t in competition. Thank the memory for the part it played in getting you to your present. And then release it.”

Thompson concluded his advice with a final piece of insight: “Everything that touches us in life travels with us. That doesn’t mean it gets to dictate the terms of the arrangement, nor does it have ultimate power over us.”