Man Says He’s Not ‘Desperate’ to Have Kids, Wonders If He’ll Be a Bad Parent

A man isn’t ready to have kids yet — and he’s not sure if that means he’ll be a bad parent if he does have a child one day.

The original poster (OP) shared their story on Reddit and explained that he, 34, and his wife, 30, have just started to seriously talk about having kids. He said that while both of them would enjoy having kids, he just isn’t “desperate to have a kid.”

The OP said he doesn’t think of himself as someone who knows he was put on Earth to be a father and is just someone who thinks that being a father would be “awesome.” He said that while the benefits generally outweigh the negatives for him, he knows the negatives would be life-changing.

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He goes on to ask if that makes him not ready to have kids yet. He wants to know if people feel like they need to have an overwhelming desire to have kids in order to be a good parent, or if being lukewarm on the topic is okay.

In the comments, many agreed that you do not have to desperately want kids in order to be a good parent.

“I have several kids. I wanted them and are happy to have them. I love them dearly,” one person wrote. “I’ve never experienced a desperate need to have them.”

“Same deal with getting married. Love my husband, Happy to be married. Could have gone our whole lives happily trucking along without the license,” they continued. “I tend to not trust the over the top emotional stuff I see on social media as about as legitimate as the love affair in a Hallmark movie.”

Another person pointed out that OP’s feelings might actually make him a better parent.

“I actually think this makes us a better parent. I say ‘us’ because I was in the same boat. I feel like I am a good mom and my kids like me, they’re functional and contribute to the world around me,” they wrote. “Two things happen with this mindset: 1- Your whole identity doesn’t become being a parent so therefore 2- You objectively see your kid as their own human, not a reflection of your personhood so you can better meet them where they are at.”

A third said that while you don’t have to be desperate to want to have kids, you do need to understand that parenting is hard work.

“You do not have to be desperate to have a kid to be a good parent or enjoy parenting,” they wrote. “You DO have to be comfortable with hard work toward something you enjoy/want to achieve/etc. I’m not saying you have to prefer ditch digging to lounging on the beach, but you have to be okay with, say, undergoing exhausting labor for a day in order to set up a theater for a show you want to do, or something along those lines.”

“Parenting is not 100% hard work! Especially as kids get older. There are a lot of fun things about it. But work is involved, and often trying to minimize it in the short run causes more difficulty in the long run,” they added.